sleep stats..

i didn't know i slept so little.. just looking at these sleep stats from my happysleep ring. i slept 6 hours and 20 minutes last night. the sleep quality was 77% and breathing quality 96%. i thought my breathing quality was worse than that- but i guess not. i honestly thought i get at least 7 hours of sleep a night but not according to these stats. ics is gonna help me check with happysleep on what to do from here on monday. does fatsy wanna copy my sleeping problems too? she's gotta if she wants to be like me. point is- i go through A LOT of shit just to even exist. i don't just depend on fuckin hand-outs and do nothing all day. i would honestly kill myself if my life was that boring and unconstructive. but maybe that's the point of keeping me from doing things and not being more supportive of me to actually be useful and productive. so i have more time to think about all the things i can't physically do anymore and how much of a useless person i am. THANKS AMANDA FOR HELPING ME!! if i would be forced to go back to courage kenny- i'd get myself kicked outta the facility- i can guarantee you that i'd snap because of the therapists there trying to tell me i can't do certain things because of LIABILITY. it's like people don't care enough about me to help me get to where I want, so i can be constructive and truly useful- NOT JUST PEDDLING MY FUCKIN FEET AND PUSHING AND PULLING BARS AT THE SAME TIME (WHILE SITTING, OF COURSE) AND CALLING IT "PROGRESSING". PROGRESSING AT WHAT?! TURNING INTO A USELESS ROCK?! screw you guys who think i should be grateful for the minimum- when i KNOW i'm capable of MORE. i was thinking.. i wonder if courage kenny is pulling this "liability" bullshit outta their asses and refusing to help ACTUALLY help me physically so i'm ABLE to do things the normal healthy person does- like walk because they found out about details from the car accident i was in? that's fine. i'd rather not go to some place that just assists people who have advocacy that can stroke their dicks. everyone else with a lack of caring, knowledgable advocacy is fucked then- they're just shoved on machines that my living room wall could operate. if amanda and/or anyone else thinks i'm just making this shit up- ask them the last time they PERSONALLY attended courage kenny with me when i used to waste my time there. "YOU GOT THIS!" okay then.. let me do what the fuck I want and support and encourage me, otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling people you're actually trying to help me because YOU DIDN'T HELP ME THE LAST TIME I CALLED YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM (i think it was because i stopped breathing while sleeping and my heart was fluttering). or there was the time when i was still wasting my time at the burnsville dump and i fell outta my wheelchair on the icy parking lot and almost busted my head open- i just had to have stitches above my eye and i had a huge bump on my head. YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR BIG SIS SO BAD NOW, FATSY?! i've been through shit that i didn't have the option of taking the easy way out with an abortion. OH! MAYBE BECAUSE I KEPT MY LEGS SHUT AND I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL (OR THE DEPO SHOT A LONG TIME AGO) SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
i'm on the second to last step for the housing company i've applied to (and had to reject a previous housing offer because amy claimed it was so short notice and i had just applied to the housing company (i looked on the account itself after she said that shit and i think it said i had been a member of the housing company for around 7 years?)). i don't enjoy being gaslighted- i don't care how mentally disabled you THINK i am. you work for me. you're supposed to be supportive of my goals for myself, so things work out smoothly in my life without problems (which would probably cost me monetarily in the end). i know what's BEST for MY own life- my grandma told me straight out that i have my head on my shoulders, that's why she didn't have someone be my guardian. if you actually knew how to do your job, you'd know that though, because I am the client.. NOT AMANDA, not any of my other family members. amanda can't even answer the phone for me when i'm in the emergency room- SHE CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW UP ON THE CALL! YOU GOT THIS! i knew who to call that would actually lend care and support- my cousin joe. I know what's best for MY life. i can honestly see why brian used to ask me if i wanted to hire an advocate (before joe came along). my grandma's overconfident, naive ass had all this confidence in amanda to "GET YOU {ME} TO NEW YORK!" *yawn* she didn't consider that amanda is too busy with her own life to be bothered with her vulnerable adult cousin's. she doesn't understand the amount of support a person with a traumatic brain injury who has already lived INDEPENDENTLY in two apartments before this one (with minimum support in an assisted living program). DISABLED PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME! *gasp* some require more assistance than the others. you don't see me or anyone else assuming all stylists are the same. i don't just go assuming they ALL know how to do the SAME things. check yourself.